Sugar’s Take

Dear Molly,

I believe the ‘Beer Summit’ (still trippin’ off the name) was President Obama’s way of keeping his finger on the pulse of race relations in America. Obama used “good old boy” methods to bring two very different kinds of people together. I mean, who can really stay angry over a beer in a lovely place like the White House lawn.

I really liked the restrictions put on the media so these gentlemen could have a meaningful conversation without too much scrutiny or misinterpretation. And I could tell from the body language that President Obama brought his nonjudgmental ear to the table, despite his previous assessment of the situation.

Two things bothered me about the summit: 1) the irrelevant banter regarding beer choices 2) the blank response to the summit given by the Cambridge police officer (who I think was annoyed by a smart mouthed Gates). If anything, the beer companies benefited from the free publicity and the real problem seemed a bit ignored.

As far as building relations between African Americans and any city’s finest, we still have a very long way to go before Radio Raheem is drinking beers with Officer Krupke. Between the apparent frustration of follow-all-orders police and Black folks’ perpetual struggle to upgrade from second class citizenship, there seems to be no real resolutions made in this matter. Police have been treating people, Black men in particular, worse than a dog in a Michael Vick kennel since the days of the patty rollers. Y’all remember the Black football player who lost his mother-in-law’s last moments to a police power trip.

To me, the real question is why did that woman, who knows a Black man lives on her street, felt the need to call the cops at the sight of an obviously familiar Black person in her neighborhood? What’s up with that?!!

Ed’s Take

Peace Sista Molly,

Oscar Grant was murdered execution style by cops in Oakland.  An unarmed Amadou Diallo was shot and brutally killed at the hands of New York City’s Finest.  Abner Louima was sodomized with a plunger by the boys in blue.  Outside the patronizing eye of the media, brothers weather supposed “isolated” incidents on a daily basis. Even I know all to well the bone deep fear of unmitigated police brutality.  I don’t think a six back of beer would placate my continued outrage of being treated as a citizen third class.

Sugar and I held our own summit of sorts.   One day we traded late night kitchen folktales about our lives as educated negroes– with three degrees between us –battling every day black man blues over sweet tea (my drink of choice) and Red Stripe (Gates’ and Sugar’s libation) as we waited for racism and injustice to end.  And just as I suspected, centuries of warranted cultural mistrust did not dissipate with every little sip we took.

Sometimes you got call a spade a spade. Sergeant James Crowley was drunk with power when he arrested Dr. Henry Louis Gartes, Jr. and acted just as stupidly as President Obama initially declared he did.  Though many have over dosed on the red kool aid of “Post Obama Racial Progress,” skirmishes like the one on Gates’ front porch serve as a resounding wake up call that white supremacy is still in the oppression business.  Most importantly, Crowley’s actions exhibited the same historic egotism of his forefathers, one which prefers it’s negroes non-threatening and shining America’s shoes.

Obama gets an A for effort but an F in execution.  The losers in the beer summit are freedom fighters /activists who call for “real” solutions and legislation around unchecked racism and rouge cops. The winners are surely the alcohol companies who laughed all the way to bank at the free advertisement sanctioned by the leader of the free world.  We gotta stop putting band-aids on brain tumors. Get free or die trying.

Sugar’s Take

Dear Clarissa,

This kinda seems like the ‘perfect’ response. And while wit is a part of great character composition, this statement alone is not enough to gauge this gentleman’s authenticity. I sense that you were trying to really figure out where this brother is coming from, you know, his angle. But in order to do that effectively, you have to watch his behaviors. You’ve gotta go through the tapes, the memories of his actions and reactions to certain situations.

I would take a look at his responses to your discussion of your dreams. What did he do when he may have noticed a bad habit or quirk? I would venture into the type of woman he usually dates, not just the looks, but their profession/income bracket, their ideologies, affiliations, the gender roles he prefers and so on and so on. Now don’t delve too deep, but ask some simple questions.

I think part of the reason you may be a little confused is because no one has said that to you. Maybe you have heard it before from some slick dude and you may be experiencing some residual effects. Side note: Watch out for relationship residue, it’s dangerous.

This brother may be speaking from a genuine place, but his words alone are not enough. If I’ve learned anything from my students, it’s that words are just air without actions to accompany them.

Ed’s Take

Peace Sista Clarissa,

Game is game.  Whether he writes a sensitive manifesto filled with poetic declarations about the sexiness of your mind or whispers slick one liners admiring the voluptuous curves of your backside,  the message is the same…I wanna get my Olivia Newton- John (PHYSICAL) on.   With men– and folks in general– put less emphasis on empty words and more energy into their consistent actions. Or as friend told me some time ago: “When someone shows you who they are; believe them the first time.”

When a guy is in the wooing phase ( candies, flowers, movies, ice cream on Sundays, marathon phone conversations, cute facebook shout outs, free meals at Applebees, etc), he can sometimes be an actor smoother than Denzel Washington.  But, as the movie unfolds overtime, the better you can assess a person’s character once their “representative” has left the building.  You can only put up an act for so long. The key ingredient to the sustainability of a relationship is TIME.

It could be one week or six months, but eventually, a person will show you who they truly are.  The key is to pay attention to actions and ask some very honest questions. Is he Mr. Right Now or would you want him to meet your parents and close sista girls? Does he keep his word? Has he demonstrated consistent interest outside of purely “carnal” longings? What is his relationship with his family/parents?  How does he treat the waiter or the random homeless woman asking for change?

In sum, use your “grandma gut” and really get to know a person before you gauge their genuineness.  Any brother with a mouth piece can run game, but a real man will respect you for the unique attributes you possess whether you show him the goodies or not.   A guy should ALWAYS feel like being with you is a distinct privilege; not an inalienable right.

Sugar’s Take

Dear Roselyn,

We all know that sex sells. We can act like we’re too ignorant or self righteous to believe it to be true, but it is. In my opinion, most marketing schemes are designed to appeal to white men between the ages of 18 and 35. From beer to shaving cream, it’s either about what he wants or what he wants to be, or both. That being said, 9 times out of 10 a music video is enticing the viewer to want the artist or be like the artist. Tack on the fact that most artists’ careers, these days, are built on image and hooks as opposed to talent, and you have a sexual innuendo fest.

I once believed artists without talent used their bodies, I mean image, to sell records. Then along came Christina Aguilera, shattering that theory. That girl can sing, but she went through a phase where she wore nothing but ho uniforms (as Dave Chappelle would call it). It was right around the Moulin Rouge thing. Now when Labelle did “Lady Marmalade” in 1975, it was highly controversial. At that time, folks were not ready for that kind of public beckoning in any language.

I also believe that women of color are taught, told or encouraged to stifle their sexuality. As a result, women are slightly ashamed of their bodies or, quite the opposite, parading it around like a carnival costume. We all know that young girls leave home with one outfit and change into another once they get to school.  Like Private school girls rolling up their skirts to show more leg. Exploring sexuality is a normal part of human development.

We should try to create balance. We have to tell our children, nieces, nephews, second cousins and play cousins that it’s ok to be sexy, cute ,  fine,  handsome and all that, but it has to be carried with respect and responsibility. Is Ciara a little provocative? Yes, but she is not much different than Aaliyah (rest her soul) was…. or that young dance team that was banned from performing on television. I’ve seen babies –that can barely talk or read– dance crazier than that…let’s concentrate on them. There are some cases where the videos go too far, but I don’t think Ciara is the one taking it there.

Ed’s Take

Sista Roselyn,

To be blunt, artistic freedom should always rain down like a mighty stream.  But, today’s climate of media consolidations,  financial pressures, and profit driven motives will have sistas shaking what mamma gave them faster than you can yell exploitation.   With all due seriousness, the issue is gravely deeper than Ciara and signals shadiness in an industry that advocates conformity and looks upon ingenuity with unbridled disdain.  Here in lies the” Halle Berry Factor”of the modern day female artist: push the boundaries artistically and risk meager sales or SEX up your image in KING magazine in hopes of greater exposure (no pun intended) and killer album sales.  Sadly, ass gets more attention than the art.

Tina Turner  has always had legs of a goddess and personified sexy soul.  Eartha Kitt was famous for her sensual feline purr.  But at the end of the day, they were viewed as whole human beings with distinct talents and worldviews.  What really gets my goat– about modern day music and entertainment– is  how we have allowed  black women to be reduced to body parts and seen as disposable entities whose singular purpose is servicing (on poles or otherwise) men.   From the slave ship to the stripper pole, black women have historically fought for control of their reproductive lives. Black female identity is often a very static enterprise without much cultural wiggle room. Either you are a sinner or saint. Ciara should be able to flaunt her “grown women “sexuality and gyrate in spandex until BET brings back “Uncut,” but that should not be the only image we have of black women in the media. Black women should be able to exhibit sexual freedom and uninhibited passion without being labeled a ho.  And they should be able to keep their clothes on, maintain their self respect, and still sell a few records.   We must demand balance and options.

If we go back to the days when Grandmas transferred wisdom while scratching the heads of future generations with Sulfur 8, aunties warned you that bad boys really aint that cool, and grown women valued community more than the club, we will speed up that day when self love returns to glory.

Sugar’s Take

Jean,

Social networks can be the death of a relationship. Not because you have something to hide, but because innocent hang out pictures and public posts can cause controversy, especially if your woman is insecure and/or has crazy friends. If you are hiding something, let’s stop right here and say it definitely won’t be a good idea.

Now, if your woman is truly cool, she will understand you have friends and know her relationship cannot be jeopardized by virtual banter. But, you have to be willing to realize the same thing. You must also keep your private relationship business off the internet. So many times people post comments and things that have no place on their page. These things cause extra controversy that no one needs.

The interesting part for you is that your woman is already on the site. If you have a mutual friend, she can get together with that friend to view your account, if she hasn’t already. It happens, trust me.

What starts as a fun way to network and keep up with your friends can turn out to be a virtual reality show starring you and your friends…with no second season. Facebook, in particular, is in the business of publishing your every move to whoever wants to tune in. If you are not up on your options, folks will know every event you attend, every comment you make and so on and so forth. That kind of living isn’t good for anyone. No one needs to know everything you’re doing.

My advice is to keep your privacy and make sure she has no reason to feel insecure about the relationship. If you didn’t join the site together and the relationship is cool, there is no need to fix what ain’t broke. Just be careful with your pictures, your posts and your comments. And that goes for all of us.

Ed’s Take

Brother Jean,

No, No, No, and even more “hell to the nah.”  Social networking is like the devil in relationships.  Once you let him in your personal space, only Jesus, Grandma’s worn 1927 Bible, and a squeaky wooden floor sermon can chase the demons away.  A writing mentor of mine once opined, “Always write like the world is watching.”  People forget that the internet is public domain and offers unfettered access to personal lives; often yielding less than flattering results. Your relationship is sacred. No one really needs to know every time you have blow up or when your status changes from” single” to “in a relationship” which then mergers into” it’s complicated.”

In a now classic track, “That Aint Love” by Little Brother, hip hop theologian Phonte makes a cogent point on the trappings of fame: “Money don’t change you it only makes you more of who you already are.”  Now, you are wondering what the hell does this have to do with social networking; but, it operates the same way.  Facebook exacerbates aspects of personalities that already exist.  So, if you are an insecure lover who snoops around the sock drawer looking for numbers, goes through the cell phone looking for texts from Keisha, or thinks that every friend may be a side boo in disguise then you will be a deranged Facebook hound over analyzing status messages/comments, leading interrogation over dance partner photos from DJ Kemit’s Spread Love jam, and sending friend requests to folks in Idaho because you think they are sleeping with your man.

The biggest problem with relationships, in the real world, is the side line haters and their off the cuff commentary strategically delivered to sh*! on your parade because they are grappling with their own unhappiness/insecurities. This issue is multiplied by 27.5 when you deal with the immaturity of supposed adults on Facebook. We all know Bitter Kim, the sista who always meddles in the affairs of others but aint had a man since ’82. Sure you know Grouchy Greg, the brother who continually berates your girl because he secretly wants her all to himself.  These characters use Facebook as a “trifling wonderland” where all of your personal business is manipulated to cause friction in your relationship. Sadly, I have never known a VERY PUBLIC Facebook affair that actually worked.  Social networking, in relationships, often operates like meddling in -laws always in search of some gossip.

Trust MUST be the foundation of your bond. Facebook or not, mutual respect and recognizing the humanity of others should be values you and your lover adhere to at all times. If you find your future contingent upon making your relationship public on Facebook, then you should really ponder a different question.

Sugar’s Take

We are all humans that can succumb to the ugliest of behaviors. And Be Be Winans is no exception. What adds fuel to the alleged violent fire is the fact that he is a well known man of God.

I grew up listening to a lot of gospel: The Winans, Commissioned, Hezekiah Walker, Take 6, and them Blind Boys Of Alabama.  Partly because it was the only music my Jesus loving mother and sisters would let me play loud in the house, but really because it was plain ole good music. Run DMC and The Fat Boys were forbidden, though I played them anyway. These were the people myself and my family used as models for our lives. We not only admired their music but also their critical acclaim. So, learning of the violence between Be Be Winans and his ex-wife was really heart breaking. It’s like hearing your cool uncle that was known for slippin’ a 20 dollar bill in your shirt pocket is now strung out on crack or something.

Truthfully, I am more hurt than appalled because, to me, this is bigger than the wives of celebrity – it is the manifestation of frustration, pinned up aggression and animalistic responses to human problems. We all know it is wrong to hit a woman, to hit anybody (except for life and death situations) but we need to ask ourselves why this is happening. What is the root of the problem? That’s what I wanna know, so we can get to some healing.

If we’ve learned anything from the Chris Brown-Rihanna situation, it is important to not be judgmental of Mr. Winans. The situation is unfortunate and all we can do is pray for him, keep him in our thoughts and hope he gets some professional help or intervention…not come out with a duet or a book.

Ed’s Take

The predicament with brother Winans just may be one of the few positive by products of a tragedy with more cruel ironies than Shakespeare, Chris Brown and Rihanna’s relationship.  Hopefully, more women like sista Winans will have the courage to come out and report abuse.  To be fair, these ALLEGATIONS against Winans do seem out of step with his reputation as a world renowned man of God.  But, just because he totes a bible and flaunts his Sunday best does not mean he is beyond reproach.  We are all flawed, and Winans is susceptible to the same pressures, misdeeds, and frailties of any man of flesh and bone.

As for fame, it can give you an over inflated sense of self (aka the big head) and very dangerous sense of entitlement. However, these cases of domestic violence with Winans and Brown are less about fame and more about the uncomfortable silence surrounding the abuse of women who do not have famous men as predators.   Every few years we have high profile cases like Mike Tyson, OJ Simpson, Jim Brown, Eminem, James Brown, Phil Hartman, Vanilla Ice, etc that jar the issues of domestic violence to the public consciousness.  We frequently forget; however, in a world outside the “famous” headlines everyday women are catching hell all over the world.

Most importantly, men have to redefine manhood from the archaic, cave men visions perpetuated in the media.  We are taught to be tough and emotionally unavailable as vulnerability and true expressions of love are seen as weak or ultra feminine.  Also, women must seek support systems and safe spaces to discuss violence without fear of public outing, as misdirected and insensitive media did with Rihanna, or legal consequence.

I have friends and family members that have been on the receiving end of a man’s left hook.  And I know for sure, if we continue to ignore the cries of abused women the blood will forever be on our hands.

Sugar’s Take

Dear Nicole,

This one touches me at the heart because I’ve had a couple of experiences where the woman I was dating was jealous of my female friends. Or in one case, an ex was jealous of any woman within three feet of me. It is very stressful for both parties, and I ended up not wanting to go out in public with these women. That is something you don’t want…at all. To me, there are a few reasons why you would be jealous of your beau’s female friends:

1) You’ve experienced this before and don’t want it to end the same as last time.

In this case, you are well within your rights to feel funny about what you believe is happening. It’s really important, though, to not transfer your old baggage onto the new flight, if you catch my drift. This is not the same person, so it’s not necessarily gonna end the same. Now, if you’re seeing the same exact behaviors and stuff, then it may be the same thing.

2) You’re insecure and feel intimidated by the female friends.

Whether it’s beauty or closeness to him, or whatever, if you are not secure in yourself this problem will always rear it’s ugly head. Whatever you’re dealing with has not been resolved, and you should take a personal inventory. It would do you better to, at least, be cool with the women because then he sees a compatibility with his circle of friends. Plus, insecurity is not sexy or attractive, so I would get my act together.

3)You sense that something sexual  may have happened in the past and don’t want it to continue.

If something sexual has happened in the past it is none of your business. You didn’t know him then, and he should not be subjected to Spanish Inquisition-like treatment for that – you’re not revealing anything about your sexual episodes. Just handle the business in the bed (among other needs) and you should be good. Once again, if you see clear signs and behavior, then start asking questions.

4) You secretly wanna get with one or all of the women.

This sounds pretentious but it happens.

All in all, it’s important to find out why you are feeling jealous. Do an internal search first and be honest with yourself. Then see if the drama is going on only inside of your head or there are some real signs of creepin’ going down. After that it’s a matter of finding a nonjudgmental, non-condescending, non-finger-pointing way of expressing your dislike for the situation. Again, be honest.

If nothing else, trust your gut. It’s that soft inner voice reminding you of what your soul already knows. Every time we don’t listen to our gut we end up paying. And emotional bills have interest rates that compound exponentially.

Ed’s Take

Sista Nicole,

Though many will tell you that it is highly impossible, I am here to dispel an age old myth, women and men can be “just” friends. Coming to grips with this truth is a necessary prerequisite to maintaining your relationship. And your failure to do so could cost you your beau. This issue is really not about your man, but rather about how his kinship with others breeds uncertainty about your “top spot” in his heart. Women are highly competitive and having the “top spot’ is often a preoccupation of many sistas.  For some reason, his bond with female friends is like a mirror reflecting your own insecurities about not only yourself, but also the status of your relationship. Here are my Top 5 things to consider:

1)     You feel his female friend is more beautiful than you.

Based on my experiences, trust issues regarding “female friends” are often predicated on superficial notions of beauty. In other words, if you found the girl to be ugly or unattractive, it would not matter if you find him in the bed with her watching the movie Love Jones and dunking oreo cookies in a warm embrace. But if you find her to be drop dead gorgeous, he could not even sit next to her at gospel choir practice without getting the “are you sleeping with her” fifth degree.  If she is more Beyonce than round the way girl, this may have ignited your insecurities. What about this particular “friend” keeps you from recognizing that to him you are the hottest chick in the game. Hell, your man made you his women for a reason. Never forget that.

2)     You have creeped, and may be creepin’, with one of your male friends and feel guilty about it.

Is that guy your introduced you boyfriend to at Keisha’s barbeque really an old flame? Or was that road trip to Philly for your class reunion with your “homie” Chris really a romantic getaway under the guise of old friends kickin’ it.  Is your current “mentor” at the church really a secret lover who really knows how to lay hands after service? Is that friend from facebook who leaves 2.78 comments a day really your piece on the side? Don’t make your current man pay the price for your sins.

3)     There may be physical chemistry you are picking up on.

Once folks have exchanged energies (meaning got down in the sheets) there is a level conformability that translates into specific behaviors.  For example, the friend gives your man “the eye” or gets the giggles, whether he tells a joke or not, whenever they are in the presence of one another. Maybe she often finds her way on his lap at the get together. Or maybe she was too damn sensual when she put on that suntan lotion ( a slight rub quickly turned into a caress) at Greg’s pool party.  Pay distinct attention to body language.

4)     Never underestimate your “gut”.

Sometimes without explanation we get a gut feeling or visceral reaction that leads to certain conclusions. For example, I began to always get very hot whenever one of my exes was around…kinda like she was the devil. This temperature rise was often followed by a “from out the blue” gut feeling that someone was sleeping in my bed (shouts to Dru Hill). Long story short, this supposedly pristine and holier than thou Christian women had been taggin’ another suitor…they are now married with 4 kids and 2.5 dogs. Sometimes you should sit in the corner of yourself, listen to your inner voice, and trust whatever your gut is telling you.  If your internal vibe continues to be one of skepticism, collect your evidence and act accordingly.

5)     Confronting without hard evidence is a recipe for disaster.

I am old school, some say tragically naïve, in regards to matters of the heart. I believe you should trust whole heartedly until you have good reason (hard evidence) not to.  For me, the only way to truly love is wide open. I caution you, never accuse a guy of cheating unless there is a smoking gun.  Why? Everyday guys hear that we are all dogs and always have a women on the side. Cheating often has a male face, though women, in recent years, have been getting’ their creep on in epic proportions.  So after being inundated with “all men cheat” references throughout one’s life span, the last thing your man wants to hear is wild accusations of being unfaithful. And more importantly, without proof, you will almost seal your own fate as the accusation my serve to alienate you further from your boo. He may shut down, shut you out emotionally, and drop you off faster than weed when the cops come

In sum, find the source of your trust issues through honest self examination.  And find the intricate balance between loving uninhibited and not playing “boo boo the fool”.

Sugar’s Take

For me, looking at them strictly for basketball skills it is kinda hard because Kobe has 3 rings ,with all kinda scoring records, and Lebron has no rings. But, there are other statistics that may present more evidence for Lebron’s case (I’m not a sports junkie…that’s Ed’s department). Plus, it ain’t like Lebron is a bum, the brother can play any position on the court; and play it well.

Now when it comes to character, that’s where I believe they are miles apart. Any dude that does some dumb stuff, gets caught, and starts telling other people’s business,as a validation for his wrong doing, is a punk azz motherfather. The way that negro was talking, snitching should be changed to Kobe-ing, or “doing a Kobe”. He broke all the codes of the locker room, the hood, the playground, auntie’s backyard hoop, just everywhere. Kobe reminds me of the dude on the team who’s dad is the coach’s best friend. Nobody really likes him; they just stay cool enough with him so he don’t tell coach.

Lebron seems to be more of an all around cool dude. He has a real sense of humor and puts his heart into everything he does. He is a joy to watch because he has been able to mix hard work, finessed fundamentals and talent–whether he’s putting up a three or high diving in a suit. So far, his personal business ain’t all over the place and his woman isn’t impatiently waiting for him in the player’s tunnel. I also hear he has his own advertising agency or something. I’m telling you, Ed knows this kinda stuff way better than me.

OK, so Kobe has 3 championship rings, a sneaker deal (I think), some MVP love and his family. Lebron has really funny commercials, people waiting to scream when he throws chalk in the air, some mean endorsements and he hangs out with Jay-Z. The only cool thing Kobe did is that song with Brian McKnight where he met his wife, that should tell you everything.

Lebron wins in my book.

Ed’s Take

Great Question!!!! My barbers Chaka, Mario, and I debate this topic quite frequently.  Any old basketball elder or serious hoops head will tell you the game is all about fundamentals….under appreciated skills like team chemistry, leadership, free throws, appropriate bounce passes, mid range jumpers, offensive rebounds, and lock down defense.  That being said, Kobe and Lebron are ahead of the curve on essential fundamentals and both have very high basketball IQ.   Basketball is 90% mental and 10% percent talent.

While his skills on the court make him a shoe in for the Hall of Fame, I have a huge disdain for Kobe (way down deep in my bones) on a personal level that has nothing to do with his game. Ever since the Lakers shipped Vlade Divac to the Charlotte Hornets for Kobe’s drafts rights in 96′, he has displayed an extreme egotism that has alienated would be supporters and hosts of teammates over the years.  Kobe’s early years were blemished by a selfish need to be “The Man.”  Remember the playoff game in the 90′s where he hoisted air ball after air ball much to the chagrin of teammates like Nic Van Exel who felt Kobe’s showboating was killing the locker room.  The best exemplar of his “big head” and unyielding selfishness was the breakup, orchestrated by Kobe, of the unstoppable Laker dynasty as he forced executives to trade Shaquille O’Neal to the Miami Heat in July 04′.  Karma is a mutha’ as Kobe has not won a ring since.

Further, Kobe is not a leader. He JUST learned- the past two seasons– how to empower his teammates, alter his game to enhance team chemistry, trust in his coach Phil Jackson, and serve as a mentor to younger players to ensure they live up to their fullest potential.  Hard headed Kobe never heeded an important lesson from the stellar careers of Magic, Bird, and Jordan….the game is bigger than one individual. Kobe may have the 3 championship rings; but nobody likes him.

Lebron James is a beast point blank.  He can play multiple positions from 1-5 (point guard, shooting guard, small forward, power forward, and center) and has the ability to will a mediocre team to greatness.  Lebron took his team to the Championship with less talent than Kobe has ever had.  Plus, he is on of few players who could possible break legend Oscar Robertson’s record of averaging a triple double (double figures in three statistical categories exp.  25 points 11 rebounds 12 assists) for an entire season.

James is a better team psychologist (kinda like Magic Johnson) than Kobe was or will be.  A true leader is like a second coach on the floor who players respect.  James teammates will fight to the end for him because they know, no matter what, Lebron will lay it on the line and sacrifice his stats and game for the benefit of the team.  Kobe will never let another player steal any of his shine…a sickness that will forever haunt him.  Lebron is the kinda guy who drop 50 points on ya in game, and afterwards, he will treat you and wifey to a meal on his dime.

Lebron wins because not only is he more of a complete player/coach and team manager, but he is also a better person lauded for his good will and positive attitude!!!!!

Sugar’s Take

Well, this is a very sticky situation in my book. I’m sure there is some kind of love there, but if those pictures are real (and I believe they are) it’s gonna take more than gifts and kisses to heal those wounds. I personally know women that stay with, or get back together with, men that are abusive and it VERY rarely ends up being a sound decision.

People learn mostly from repeated cause and effect behavior. So if Rihanna’s actions are telling Chris Brown that he can allegedly hit her, and she stays with him, there is nothing that tells him his behavior needs to change. In other words, Rihanna is telling Chris Brown, “Go head, slap me and I’ll keep loving you. I’ll still be here.” Side note, I wonder why everyone uses his whole name…or why I feel the need to.

On another note, I want to address something that is a bit more controversial. Women that think it’s okay to “see how far you can push your man” are not doing yourselves a good service. That is not healthy. If you feel like you need to make your man angry (sometimes to the point of violence) to get his attention then there needs to be some serious soul searching done to deal with that. You might end up with some pictures of your own. And I’m not talking about the ones with the wicker chair at the club.

To answer your question bluntly, they have both lost their minds. What they are doing is not sending a good message to any person in a similar situation. And I hope Puffy is hookin’ them up with some counseling to go with that house. Yeah, I said Puffy…I’m old enough. 

Ed’s Take

People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply; by the lives they lead.–James Baldwin

High profile abuse aint no new thing.  Back in the day, revered writer and cultural icon Pearl Cleage gave a the proverbial middle finger to a jazz god in Mad At Miles, a biting assessment of not only Miles Davis’ treatment of women, but also the deep psychological wounds of violence and it’s underappreciated effect on self esteem and personal agency.  Davis’ rocky marriage to respected actress Cicely Tyson–for much of 80′s– was typified by abuse and beat down.  Cleage’s work could serve as the perfect primer for Rihanna’s debilitating dilemmas.

While Brown and Rihanna play house with hopes of becoming the new school Ike & Tina, TMZ’s decision to post photos of the attack is the kind of decision that can get someone killed.  This case has larger implications than a tiff between superstars. The greatest disservice of posting the dooming photo was compromising the legal rights of domestic violence victims globally.  Why? Because of the millions of women who may have been silenced for fear of public ridicule, retaliation from abusers, and violations of privacy acts by overzealous media hounds.  What if the public scrutiny and media frenzy pushed Rihanna back in the arms of her ALLEGED attacker?   What if other women stay in abusive relationships because of media’s sick need to profit off of pain?  Often times, it’s not the face of an international superstar on the receiving end of blunt force trauma…it’s the mother, sista, or play cousin of everyday people.

Like many couples in denial, Chris Brown and Rihanna are accustomed to dysfunction. Violence, drama, and disrespect are so woven into the fabric of their bond turmoil has become normal functioning. To them, the absurd seems normal and the normal; absurd.  My heart is heavy. I cram to understand why the adults in their lives have not put them in check and restored some semblance of reality. Where is a good southern grandma cussin’ out when u need it?  Where are the counselors?  Where is the tough love? Where are the spiritual shout outs?

If Brown did indeed lay the smack down, his actions are reprehensible to the nth degree. And what did he learn, that if you prey on a  woman’s vulnerability, shower her with bling, garner public sympathy, and orchestrate media friendly damage control… you can get your mate back guilt free.

Sugar’s Take

Let me first say that we are not magically exempt from racism and hate because a Black man is President. Many times in history both the monkey and black males are made to be simple and animalistic. I know I’m always on some cultural stuff, but the Egyptians (among other ancient cultures) revered animals and studied their behaviors to help in their daily lives. Somehow or another the monkey has been made to be a fool, to the point where it’s common for folks to point and laugh. This has also been done with black people; and it is a bit disgusting. So many people were rushing to see King Kong, and the movie is one of the biggest symbols of white supremacy and marginalization in the history of modern film. To parallel Obama’s intricate policies and a monkey running the streets is less than unacceptable. It seems as if a black person in the U.S. cannot rise to a position of power without some major form of belittlement – whether it’s being the head cook in the high school cafeteria or the undisputed heavyweight champ. Tyler Perry tries to do his thing in Atlanta and they adamantly invade his privacy. Fahamu Pecou paints the stories of our ancestors and he’s not edgy enough. Roger Toussaint tries to get the MTA more rights and the very workers start complaining. Ed Garnes tries to unite the campus so regular folks can have a say in the student council and his own people relegate him to the unspoken margin. I have said and will always say, police are not the enemy, white supremacy is. This cartoon is not the first and will not be the last piece of evidence in proving this statement. Remember that cover of the New Yorker?

Ed’s Take

It is certain, in any case, that ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have.–James Baldwin

As I always say, because if often bears repeating, a little white supremacy goes a long way. In her infinite wisdom, my grandma would often opine: “A zebra never changes it stripes.” We can never divorce ourselves from history no matter how much things have seemed to change.  The cartoon leans heavily to the days of biological determinism (belief that  a person genes solely determine behavior) and eugenics, a shady ideology of racial superiority and purity, made famous worldwide by Hitler, and advanced by the twisted intellect of Sir Francis Galton in the 1800s. Even our loving Presidents Theodore Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson dabbled in this belief/practice of race based supremacy.

This, my good people, is all about power. The New York Post, Fox, and a host of other entities are owned by billionaire Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. He who owns the media controls public perception and public discourse. So, if a blatant racist and capitalist like Murdoch believes we are apes, it makes sense that his companies would reflect his value system.  Beyond the ape metaphor, which is beyond appalling, the cartoon calls for assassination of Obama employing the same fear tactics used in the killing of Emmett Till, Medgar Evers, King, Oscar Grant, etc. I prefer my racism straight up with a twist of lime, and this straight no chaser display by the post is the perfect “u still a nigga” wake up call for us all.

We expect the same America who bought us here in chains to throw us a victory party with Hennessey because Obama is President.  If anything, Obama’s win has caused many to dust off age old pathologies about black folk.  So, enough rhetoric…here are some solutions:

1)       Always trust in a higher power.

2)       Tell a friend about the work of From Afros To Shelltoes.

3)       Support Independent Media!!! Not just ones owned by folks of color (cuz we know BET has set us back 500 years).  Never under estimate the power of alternative media and voices like Farai Chideya and Davey D.

4)       Boycott the New York Post. Folks in America only feel ya’ when you hit them in the pocketbook. Email your disdain to the following: Editor of The Post Col Allan@ colallan@nypost.com, The Post Cartoonist, Sean Delonas @ seandelonas@gmail.com (peace to www.concreteloop.com for putting the emails on blast).  Mad luv to John Legend for –his open letter to the New York Post– putting his career on the line to speak truth to power.

5)       Stand up for injustice everyday.  We have to be proactive instead of reactive when it comes to racism.  Or as we say round my way: “Get down or lay down.”

6)       Support artists like From Afros To Shelltoes, Nikki Giovanni, The Last Poets, Amiri Baraka, Jessica Care Moore, Dead Prez, Killer Mike, Outkast, Little Brother, Fahamu Pecou, Meshell Ndegeocello, John Legend, Shannon McCollum, Carla Aaron Lopez, and others whose work sidesteps the status quo.

7)       Serve as a mentor or play cousin to someone in your community. In the words of hip hop theologians Outkast: “You wanna heal the nation..start on your corner.”

Sugar’s Take

My common sense tells me that something happened. Was it assault with a deadly weapon? I doubt it. That brother would’ve definitely been posting some serious bail. And he would’ve had more than bruises on his knuckles. This seems to be a classic case of extreme drama. I believe the only person who knows what happened is the person who called 911. Somebody needs to be interviewing them (if they haven’t already).

I’m a little bothered by some of the sudden reports on the turbulence of their relationship. If anything, I thought Rihanna would’ve been mad at Mr. Brown for getting his dance on with Ciara. The cameraperson zoomed in on Rihanna’s face with a purpose when that performance was going down. Since then, there have been numerous pictures of the cute couple shopping and hangin’ with family.

I hope nothing did happen cuz it really won’t be a good example fo’ da’ kids. Even though we all do, or have done things, that may not make for the best example. Right now, this situation is only bringing up more questions. Here are a few of mine:

Is this just to distract us from the young man that got shot by cops in the Bay Area?
Is Chris Brown really that crazy?
Did Chris Brown realize he was in public?
What did Rihanna say or do to make him so mad?
Was she being a pain in the neck as early as when they were getting dressed and he couldn’t take anymore?
Who in the world called 911?
Why is Rihanna not pressing charges?
Is the state gonna take the case?
Does Chris Brown have a good lawyer?

Ed’s Take

Sadly, it’s a wrap for Chris Brown. Even if the allegations prove to be false, the damage is done.  He has already lost endorsements (Wrigley’s Gum and the Got Milk? campaign) and is losing a heated battle in the court of public opinion.  There are old school rules. Hitting women, or the implication that you may have, puts you on the wrong side of the law.

We often underestimate the prevalence of domestic violence.  And I can tell you from my years of work in male development as a counselor– with organizations like Men Stopping Violence and Raleigh North Carloina’s Teen Fest–there can be Jekyll & Hyde tendencies in many closet abusers.  Now, I am not saying that Brother Brown is guilty.  But, just because he is smoother than a double mint twin in commercials, has a baby face, and makes safe pop tunes that women adore does not mean he is not capable of violence.  Remember, Miles Davis, a musical genius who I luv to death, made some of the smoothest tunes on earth.  But when he left the stage, his temper and abusive tendencies towards women were notorious.

Instead of rushing to judgment, we all should stop and reflect.  What is most fascinating, to me, is the role the entertainment industry, a haven for misogyny and unchecked seedy behavior, may have played in this real life drama.  Label reps, handlers, publicists, and entourages often act as enablers instead of challenging stars on questionable behavior for fear of losing their meal ticket.

Despite being mega super stars, Chris Brown and Rihanna are still young, impressionable, and highly susceptible to the same peer pressures of folks their age.  Maturing under crushing spotlights is sure to have an impact on your personal development.  The key is to be surrounded by individuals who can assist in navigating the turbulent road of success and extreme solitude of failure.

At best, we will discover that all the blogs, news reports, and speculations were much to do about nothing.  At worst, Brother Brown will become state property.  I worry less about their careers, and more about how they will heal emotionally. Spiritual shout outs are in order.

Sugar’s Take

Like i said before Lil Wayne is a genius. He has mixed two of the greatest elements to make a great compound, genius and hard work. Weezy is everywhere, doing everything. And after seeing the CBS video, “Stuntin Like My Daddy” makes sense. Here’s a young cat, with no father figure, taken in by a couple hustlers (though you can’t tell who’s really hustilin these days…a la Rick Ross) and treated like family. They end up starting a successful record label in the South, long before magazines and award shows were pimpin places like Atlanta. And their youngest but most consistent artist breaks the mold and sales records. Can you imagine what Young Money is dealing with?

His statement about altering his name– to disconnect from the legacy of his father– had the resonance of a Langston Hughes poem. Who’s name is James, but used Langston to separate from his father. Lil Wayne is obviously in a bit of pain. Not sure who is the blacksmith of his shackles, but as it’s always been, he’s using music to break free.

As for the gangster stuff, I’m still not sure why everyone is still tooting that horn. I don’t see being a gangster or hustler as glamorous, those are lifestyles of necessity. I always notice that anytime a gangster or hustler goes just an inch past necessity something goes wrong. It could be fictional like Montana or real like the Godmother. If you don’t know who the Godmother is I suggest you find out. Once you see the movie you will never look at a drug dealer the same again. And hey, it’s what most rappers are doing anyway…watching movies. 

Ed’s Take

I love Lil Wayne…kinda like a distant cousin that never makes it to the family reunion.   Beyond his efforts to promote a hard exterior, Lil Wayne is the modern day poster child for black male vulnerability. How so? His pain is masked in cultural production and hidden in a palatable format; HIP HOP.  As I discussed in a previous blog (Fake Rappers & DrugCulture), gangsta personas are often employed as defense mechanisms to cope in a world of marginalization where black males are historically emasculated. Self preservation becomes the order of the day because, as Sugar says, “aint no calgon in the hood.”  So, art becomes catharsis.  Pain sounds much better ridin’ a hot beat.

America is about power.  Undergdogs luv stickin’ it to the proverbial “man” (i.e oppressors, bosses, anything establishment or status quo).  So, when Lil Wayne says he is a gangsta, he is really saying: ” I am a self made man, successful on my own terms, and side stepping limited expectations.”  I admit Lil Wayne’s brilliance often gets lost in translation because of the tattoos and thug persona, but I am reminded of a killer Andre 3000 verse that breaks it down…so it can forever and consistently be broke:

Now question
Is every nigga with dreads for the cause?
Is every nigga with golds for the fall? Naw
So don’t get caught in appearance
It’s Oukast Aquemini another Black experience

The most telling part of the interview is how Lil Wayne channels pain (absentee father, Katrina and Black death, abject poverty, etc.). His journey is a never ending search for those ever evasive “love experiences” we crave since birth.

So tell your kids Lil Wayne is a flawed human being; as we all are.  But on closer examination, he is, in many ways, similar to them…a man struggling for inner peace as he gets his dreams out of layaway.

Sugar’s Take

When we were in second grade we used to say, “…monkey see…monkey do…” And I think monkeys are way smarter than anybody believes (except the Egyptians). Copycats are boring and insidious.

Ed’s Take

Got a Negro?  Blackness has now become the new mainstream accessory; kinda like a trendy hand bag that loses it luster after a few nights on the town.  Picking Steele as GOP Chairman clearly shows the Republican Party has been hitting the political crack pipe worst than Chris Rock in the movie New Jack City.  To be sure, this move continues the political tap dancing that begun when they deviously presumed  America would support Palin solely because she was a woman; a “just as good” conservative alternative to Hillary Clinton so to speak.   And we see how that blew up in their face.

Yes, this move is all about Obama. But, this step may also lead to some very dangerous consequences as it is race baiting masquerading as justice and equal protection for all.  A Zebra never changes stripes, and it will take more than tokenism to undue the well deserved public perception that the Republicans are out of touch elitists whose ideals are far from the hearts of people of color, the working poor, and the LGBT community.  This is a treacherous game of racial roulette.

Steele is being used to divide allegiances amongst black folks in an effort to seize Obama’s power base. The Republicans are desperate, so desperate they want to woo the very same Americans they could care less about before losing in a historic defeat. I believe common folk are much smarter than politicians give them credit for.  Americans want substance and proactive measures to address insufficient health care and sky rocketing mortgages not “any Negro will do” political shenanigans. The GOP may just have guaranteed a two term president. Black Steele is; Obama he is not.

Sugar’s Take

I have always been told, by one of the most wonderful women I know, that “you get paid on the comeback.” So how does this relate to the question? In my opinion, a man’s job is to make sure a woman has at least one orgasm; even if it’s just to avoid the “talk-about-his-punk-ass” conversation with her homegirl when he leaves. If a woman does have said orgasm, a man usually gets a call to come over and do it again. He does the damn thang, and she makes him as happy as he made her the first time, if not more. So now both are happy. That’s getting paid on the comeback. This is what supposed to happen…I think.

If the brother is acting like he is to be treated like a demi-god that gave you the legendary golden sword, then he’s buggin’. Especially if you only did it once and the sword was kinda silver. But, if the brother had you shivering and you fell asleep with your thumb in your mouth and it’s been that way from the start, stop frontin’ and call the brother. And, hey, if you feel like you wanna go bowling or something, make a suggestion. At least you know he’s good at one thing.

Ed’s Take

Like beauty, sex is in the eye of the beholder. It’s all about the mindset of the participant.  It can be the ultimate physical connection between two souls, or it can be recreation purely based on carnal desires. And while sex won’t make a relationship (eventually you have to talk and process emotions), it can surely hurt one.  Be real.  We have all held on (or know someone who did) to an incompatible suitor who could not read too good, irritated us to no end, lacked social graces, and was abhorred by friends and family because they made our toes curl up.  Physical attraction and satisfaction do affect a relationship’s sustainability.

I have long believed how we process sex depends on the ground rules and nature of the relationship before orgasms are exchanged.  Was your partner a homie lover friend who after years of “WANTING” finally unlocked the key to your chastity belt?  Was he a casual fling who felt a sense of entitlement after winning the grand prize?  Was he an ex who thought putting it down meant all is now forgiven?   If he is beating his chest like King Kong, and smellin’ himself (as my Grandma would say) a little too much…maybe he was just not that in to you.

Quite naively (in my youth), I assumed men were the sole predators and that women very meekly decided on which lover was worthy.  But I am here to tell you, as we have all become more sexually free, getting cocky after sex is not gender specific.

And I may be breaking a man law by saying this, but never give up your power.  If you want more than a romp in the sheets and expect to be wooed like a women should…DEMAND IT.  If you want a casual sexual relationship (remember to practice safe sex at all times) with no strings attached, BE UP FRONT.   It’s all about your needs. And only honesty can fulfill them.