Sugar’s Take

Dear Clarissa,

This kinda seems like the ‘perfect’ response. And while wit is a part of great character composition, this statement alone is not enough to gauge this gentleman’s authenticity. I sense that you were trying to really figure out where this brother is coming from, you know, his angle. But in order to do that effectively, you have to watch his behaviors. You’ve gotta go through the tapes, the memories of his actions and reactions to certain situations.

I would take a look at his responses to your discussion of your dreams. What did he do when he may have noticed a bad habit or quirk? I would venture into the type of woman he usually dates, not just the looks, but their profession/income bracket, their ideologies, affiliations, the gender roles he prefers and so on and so on. Now don’t delve too deep, but ask some simple questions.

I think part of the reason you may be a little confused is because no one has said that to you. Maybe you have heard it before from some slick dude and you may be experiencing some residual effects. Side note: Watch out for relationship residue, it’s dangerous.

This brother may be speaking from a genuine place, but his words alone are not enough. If I’ve learned anything from my students, it’s that words are just air without actions to accompany them.

Ed’s Take

Peace Sista Clarissa,

Game is game.  Whether he writes a sensitive manifesto filled with poetic declarations about the sexiness of your mind or whispers slick one liners admiring the voluptuous curves of your backside,  the message is the same…I wanna get my Olivia Newton- John (PHYSICAL) on.   With men– and folks in general– put less emphasis on empty words and more energy into their consistent actions. Or as friend told me some time ago: “When someone shows you who they are; believe them the first time.”

When a guy is in the wooing phase ( candies, flowers, movies, ice cream on Sundays, marathon phone conversations, cute facebook shout outs, free meals at Applebees, etc), he can sometimes be an actor smoother than Denzel Washington.  But, as the movie unfolds overtime, the better you can assess a person’s character once their “representative” has left the building.  You can only put up an act for so long. The key ingredient to the sustainability of a relationship is TIME.

It could be one week or six months, but eventually, a person will show you who they truly are.  The key is to pay attention to actions and ask some very honest questions. Is he Mr. Right Now or would you want him to meet your parents and close sista girls? Does he keep his word? Has he demonstrated consistent interest outside of purely “carnal” longings? What is his relationship with his family/parents?  How does he treat the waiter or the random homeless woman asking for change?

In sum, use your “grandma gut” and really get to know a person before you gauge their genuineness.  Any brother with a mouth piece can run game, but a real man will respect you for the unique attributes you possess whether you show him the goodies or not.   A guy should ALWAYS feel like being with you is a distinct privilege; not an inalienable right.