Ask Ed & Sugar:Facebook Killed My Relationship
Dear Ed and Sugar,
Me and my girlfriend were both on Facebook separately when we met. Now that we’ve been together for a minute, she wants me to add her as a friend and put her name in the relationship part. Is this a good idea or will it hurt the relationship?
-Jean, Paris, France
Sugar’s Take
Jean,
Social networks can be the death of a relationship. Not because you have something to hide, but because innocent hang out pictures and public posts can cause controversy, especially if your woman is insecure and/or has crazy friends. If you are hiding something, let’s stop right here and say it definitely won’t be a good idea.
Now, if your woman is truly cool, she will understand you have friends and know her relationship cannot be jeopardized by virtual banter. But, you have to be willing to realize the same thing. You must also keep your private relationship business off the internet. So many times people post comments and things that have no place on their page. These things cause extra controversy that no one needs.
The interesting part for you is that your woman is already on the site. If you have a mutual friend, she can get together with that friend to view your account, if she hasn’t already. It happens, trust me.
What starts as a fun way to network and keep up with your friends can turn out to be a virtual reality show starring you and your friends…with no second season. Facebook, in particular, is in the business of publishing your every move to whoever wants to tune in. If you are not up on your options, folks will know every event you attend, every comment you make and so on and so forth. That kind of living isn’t good for anyone. No one needs to know everything you’re doing.
My advice is to keep your privacy and make sure she has no reason to feel insecure about the relationship. If you didn’t join the site together and the relationship is cool, there is no need to fix what ain’t broke. Just be careful with your pictures, your posts and your comments. And that goes for all of us.
Ed’s Take
Brother Jean,
No, No, No, and even more “hell to the nah.” Social networking is like the devil in relationships. Once you let him in your personal space, only Jesus, Grandma’s worn 1927 Bible, and a squeaky wooden floor sermon can chase the demons away. A writing mentor of mine once opined, “Always write like the world is watching.” People forget that the internet is public domain and offers unfettered access to personal lives; often yielding less than flattering results. Your relationship is sacred. No one really needs to know every time you have blow up or when your status changes from” single” to “in a relationship” which then mergers into” it’s complicated.”
In a now classic track, “That Aint Love” by Little Brother, hip hop theologian Phonte makes a cogent point on the trappings of fame: “Money don’t change you it only makes you more of who you already are.” Now, you are wondering what the hell does this have to do with social networking; but, it operates the same way. Facebook exacerbates aspects of personalities that already exist. So, if you are an insecure lover who snoops around the sock drawer looking for numbers, goes through the cell phone looking for texts from Keisha, or thinks that every friend may be a side boo in disguise then you will be a deranged Facebook hound over analyzing status messages/comments, leading interrogation over dance partner photos from DJ Kemit’s Spread Love jam, and sending friend requests to folks in Idaho because you think they are sleeping with your man.
The biggest problem with relationships, in the real world, is the side line haters and their off the cuff commentary strategically delivered to sh*! on your parade because they are grappling with their own unhappiness/insecurities. This issue is multiplied by 27.5 when you deal with the immaturity of supposed adults on Facebook. We all know Bitter Kim, the sista who always meddles in the affairs of others but aint had a man since ’82. Sure you know Grouchy Greg, the brother who continually berates your girl because he secretly wants her all to himself. These characters use Facebook as a “trifling wonderland” where all of your personal business is manipulated to cause friction in your relationship. Sadly, I have never known a VERY PUBLIC Facebook affair that actually worked. Social networking, in relationships, often operates like meddling in -laws always in search of some gossip.
Trust MUST be the foundation of your bond. Facebook or not, mutual respect and recognizing the humanity of others should be values you and your lover adhere to at all times. If you find your future contingent upon making your relationship public on Facebook, then you should really ponder a different question.
Got a question; email us askedandsugar@afrostoshelltoes.com!!!
Between catching the uptown train to conduct “we luv the kids” writing workshops to dancing rumba on the lower eastside, Sugar Johnson flaunts his creative freedom in various mediums. The actor, vocalist, and educator have not only shared the stage with prolific artists such as The Last Poets, M-1 of Dead Prez, Jessica Care Moore, and Spike Lee, but he also labors to cultivate the forgotten souls of Rikers Island. Johnson made his film debut in Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. The ASCAP member holds a B.A. in Mathematics from DePauw University and will release the poetry collection Food Clothes and Shelter on his imprint Home Grown Publishing, LLC in 2008.
Award winning writer, educator, counselor, and activist Edward M. Garnes, Jr. is the founder of From Afros to Shelltoes: Art, Action, and Conversation, a nationally acclaimed series of cultural productions confronting the social divide between elders and hip hop heads, and holds a B.A. in English Writing from DePauw University and a M.A. in Counseling from Michigan State University . His seminal essay, ” Sweet Tea Ethics: Black Luv, Healthcare, and Cultural Mistrust,” currently appears in Not In My Family: AIDS in the African American Community, a 2007 NAACP Image Award nominated collection edited by Gil Robertson. (www.afrostoshelltoes.com).
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LOLOL I feel ya’ll I once dated a girl that would not read a fifty page book but had more than enough time to read through a thousand comments on myspace. “Who is Cheryl Goode and why did she say she loves you!?” … “Oh it’s your sister …” “How you know your sister don’t like you!!” Needless to say that was short lived. The young lady I date now I don’t think we go to each other’s page unless it’s to leave a message about something of importance. I haven’t changed my relationship status on facebook ever because it’s an arbitrary thing that is really just a way of getting people further and further into your life (further than you would really like them to be). What happens is you’re probably excited about this new relationship and you’re in the honeymoon phase and want the world to know that you’ve found love so you change your status to “In a relationship” and everyone writes in, congrats; who’s the lucky guy/girl; awwww; great etc. Then the thing goes sour, you’ve burned his $#!t on the lawn, she took you on Maury to tell you she’s sleeping with your best friend, you end it reluctantly and change your status to “single” and everyone writes, what happened; what’d she/he do; I never like him/her; what’d you do!; Maury Maury Maury; Etc. Then you find yourself in swinger bars and leather shops being paddle spanked by midgets and sizing c#&k rings and you change your status to “It’s complicated.” Now if you’d have just left your relationship status alone no one would have know anything! Well except the appearance on Maury. Also beware of Twitter, which is just a cyber stalking tool. I had a friend tell me that she wanted to stalk me but I didn’t Twit enough and I told her that I need a stalker that’s going to commit to the stalk. Kick it old school! Get in the bushes dressed in black @ 3 a.m. with a Polaroid camera and some binoculars, have some integrity about your stalking for goodness sake!
Preach Preach…let the church say amen…now we will have special offering for the single’s ministry retreat. All jokes aside, I appreciate you guys honesty. Keep it up!
Jon, you are crazy…get this..i have been stalked by every social networking tool…and get this, she even
involved 3 more people on the stalking..but as the old folks say…u got to get up early in the morning
to f with me….folks really let to many people in on personal business…
Yo!
having had a few relationships within my friend list yeah…imma go with Sugah on this…don’t do it if ol girl got (in)security issues!!!!!
LOL!
grumpy smurf
Absolutely. Those that are in relationships have no need to express to the world there profound undying love if they are in a secure happy relationship. Its those that are insecure who are looking for the gratifying “wall notes” to confirm to them that they are indeed in love. The easiest way to destroy your relationship is to allow the haters instigators and naysayers have a peek into your dirty laundry, or clean for that matter. No one needs to know that : you and your boo are currently snuggling and plan to get down later” or “im so tired from a looooong night with my man” or my personal favorite “why yall bit*he’s be hating on me and my boo just cause we bout to get married next week and we only known each other for 3 months, and yall cant find nobody!”. Give me a break. Real relationship is built on intimacy and trust its like a inside joke that no one has to know about, its about being in a room full of crowded good looking people and only wishing h much better it would be if that person were with you. Often changing ones relationship status to portray anything but single only fuels more fire. Especially since most women are now on the prowl to pray after men that are “taken” only exasperating the entire situation. Surprisingly once a man who was considered ” just a friend” suddenly is no longer on the market oh how the questions come pouring in. Lets enjoy FB for its uncanny ability to make us feel close to people we live across the street from and haven’t seen in weeks. Let us use it for the mere ability to keep in touch with those across the miles and lets reject as a way to magnify the many aspects of our insecurities, faults, and shortcomings. Great article… you need a woman on the panel
Nice blog post today. Facebook had my feelings hurt when I saw that a guy I’d dated very briefly last year (as in 2 mos) had quickly scooped up another chick and plastered her bikini-clad ass all over his profile page. I only knew because we were FB buddies and he’d changed his status from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’ and I got the alert to my page (he didn’t change his relationship status not one time while we were dating). I immediately un-friended him and haven’t spoken to him since, even though he’s constantly sending me messages, phone calls and texts for me to call him. If we’re not friends offline, we’re not friends online, ya dig?
Once again, ya’ll are on it! Keep up the good work!!
Being stalked online or not is terrible.
-Gus
Hilarious! This is reason #5,962 why I’m not on Facebook – and I’m married! LOL
Looks like to me you still wanna have your cake and eat it too. Facebook keeps everyone interconnected and that leaves you vulnerable if your already talking to other woman on FB. Try being honest with her and see what happens. Is it maybe your not feeling her as much as she is feeling you? Are you getting Cabin Fever and now wish to see if the grass is greener on the other side. What makes her special to you. If you don’t want her to be your main woman, cut her loose and allow her to find her knight in shinning armour.
I agree w/u both!! I love it! Funny comments too
I forgot to add.. Sugar I agree with you about the options.. as in PRIVACY settings.. A lot of the drama can be avoided, it you set your options accordingly.. And I have to admit, I love fb options because you can put folks on limited access, or individualize it as you see fit!
I once had a fb (female) friend, send me a list of guys that we had in common as mutual friends (not the female ones, just the male ones), demanding to know how I knew them, and she sent them the same message (I guess to see if our stories were straight).. In other words ole girl was policing my fb page (WTH??).. Well instead of choosing to delete her, I politely changed her options on my page.. Not only can she NOT view my friends at all, but she can’t even see my postings or status’ of any sort.. but we are still fb friends though..ROFL!!.. Gotta love fb privacy settings!!
I guess I am coming from a different perspective because I am married, and I don’t have any negative friends that I have to worry about crapping on any kind of parade. Being married (and not just using the married option because you and the boo are SOOOO close y’all might as well be married….PLEASE!) means you probably aren’t going to jump from that status to single over and over. Also, having friends who are supportive of you no matter what should understand your personality enough to not overreact and further inflame any ‘emergencies’ that may come up on facebook. One thing I will say does happen is that friends might start getting jealous of other friends as people try to deduce their worth and place in your life based on how many events you do with them and/or how many pictures you have of them in your photo album. THAT I have come across and those immature people should have noticed by now that I have talked to them FAR less than before.
[...] Mindstorm placed an observative post today on Ask Ed & Sugar:Facebook Killed My RelationshipHere’s a quick excerpt…relationship is cool, there is no need to fix … Facebook or not, mutual respect and recognizing … confronting the social divide between [...]
Facebook is all about what YOU make it. It can be a place where you catch up with folk from your neighborhood from the 80s, an alumni “memories” spot, a place to find your “boos” from the past, a place where Hell can break lose because you tryin’ to be a playa but putting you business all in the streets while you add all your present and past “Kickin’ it partners”, or much more! If your relationship is killed by it, that was your choice, not facebook.
Great post. I opined about the effects that ALL of the latest social media has on relationships on my site just a couple of days ago. I completely agree with you. Facebook, Twitter and whatever else — you’ll usually be happier if you keep it separate. It’s funny, twitter provides words, but no pictures and facebook provides pictures but no real context. Neither is good for a relationship…
peace & love,
Pres
( i love yall! )
This is great. Unfortunately, I know ALL about Facebook drama. And it wasnt me- it was friends who “saw a picture of _________ and some girl and thought I should see it”. Drama. Yeah, we ended up ending it, but I surely didnt need Facebook for that! I agree with you both- lock down those privacy options and get you a secure mate! And we do have to keep in mind that Facebook is a SOCIAL network. People want to know what youre doing, and you have control of how much you let them in…
As always you boys are on pizzoint! Myspace ruined my relationship. Virtual crap. My man, yes was insecure. I have lived and learned.
Just like what you said Ed.. my mom told me too. Don’t write anything down that you don’t want published on the cover of the NY Times.
Word.
Again, Kudos on all your points. I miss you guys! Holla!
Stay Educated* I know you will..
:-p
Well, if your 100% committed to her, by all means. Now if your not 100% committed to her, she just opened a can of worms that you cant close back up…. unless you close out Facebook!
This question reminds me a play I saw a few weeks ago called “Episodes In Sexuality” which the students at my school do annually. “Episodes” is aimed at looking at the nature of relationships including sexual ones and educating students on staying safe – sexually. Anyway, Episodes consists of several skits and one this year was called “It’s Not Official Until It’s on Facebook”. As the title implies, it was about a couple and the women was upset because the guy’s facebook status hadn’t changed to “in a relationship”. The question this guy poses seems to me like life imitating art to me or maybe the art is reflecting what’s happening in life.
Either way, when I saw the play, it made me think how the internet has changed the whole way we think of relationships and behave in them. People should not base someone’s love for them off what an online relationship status says. As both Ed and Sugar touched on, this is a sign of insecurity on behalf of this female and sites like Facebook only drive someone who is insecure to the edge. So, perhaps the guy should take down his Facebook, but then I also think there is a bigger issue here which is
THE LACK OF TRUST IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!
I think that should be the bigger issue for them to deal with rather than taking down the face book. I say this because that’s the root of the issue. A person who is insecure will have trust issues no matter what. Today, it’s facebook and tomorrow it could be him not having several pictures of her in his wallet or telling anyone when he first meets them that he has a girlfriend.
That’s my take…
My ex left me for a bitch on Facebook
I don’t agree that Facebook in and of itself can ruin or doom a relationship. However fb is horrible about keeping secrets and hiding dirt. If you have a play play attitude towards relationships, fb will call you out in a hot minute! If you have something to hide then yeah, keep your woman off your friends list lest she discover your skeletons.
On the other hand, I believe the best relationships have a strong friendship foundation. Honesty, trust and sharing are just a few important features of a mature relationship. Being able to fb friend your girlfriend and allow her to see your status updates and responses from friends on your wall gives her a good view of who you are and how you interact with people. If you need to hide your true self then maybe you don’t need to be in a relationship.
Lastly, I’m a strong supporter of Facebook’s privacy settings. Only give selected people access to your business and remove people from your list as necessary.
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