Do You Hear Me Now Black Male Vulnerability Don Cornelius Soul Train

Sugar’s Take

Dear Nicole,

This one touches me at the heart because I’ve had a couple of experiences where the woman I was dating was jealous of my female friends. Or in one case, an ex was jealous of any woman within three feet of me. It is very stressful for both parties, and I ended up not wanting to go out in public with these women. That is something you don’t want…at all. To me, there are a few reasons why you would be jealous of your beau’s female friends:

1) You’ve experienced this before and don’t want it to end the same as last time.

In this case, you are well within your rights to feel funny about what you believe is happening. It’s really important, though, to not transfer your old baggage onto the new flight, if you catch my drift. This is not the same person, so it’s not necessarily gonna end the same. Now, if you’re seeing the same exact behaviors and stuff, then it may be the same thing.

2) You’re insecure and feel intimidated by the female friends.

Whether it’s beauty or closeness to him, or whatever, if you are not secure in yourself this problem will always rear it’s ugly head. Whatever you’re dealing with has not been resolved, and you should take a personal inventory. It would do you better to, at least, be cool with the women because then he sees a compatibility with his circle of friends. Plus, insecurity is not sexy or attractive, so I would get my act together.

3)You sense that something sexual  may have happened in the past and don’t want it to continue.

If something sexual has happened in the past it is none of your business. You didn’t know him then, and he should not be subjected to Spanish Inquisition-like treatment for that – you’re not revealing anything about your sexual episodes. Just handle the business in the bed (among other needs) and you should be good. Once again, if you see clear signs and behavior, then start asking questions.

4) You secretly wanna get with one or all of the women.

This sounds pretentious but it happens.

All in all, it’s important to find out why you are feeling jealous. Do an internal search first and be honest with yourself. Then see if the drama is going on only inside of your head or there are some real signs of creepin’ going down. After that it’s a matter of finding a nonjudgmental, non-condescending, non-finger-pointing way of expressing your dislike for the situation. Again, be honest.

If nothing else, trust your gut. It’s that soft inner voice reminding you of what your soul already knows. Every time we don’t listen to our gut we end up paying. And emotional bills have interest rates that compound exponentially.

Ed’s Take

Sista Nicole,

Though many will tell you that it is highly impossible, I am here to dispel an age old myth, women and men can be “just” friends. Coming to grips with this truth is a necessary prerequisite to maintaining your relationship. And your failure to do so could cost you your beau. This issue is really not about your man, but rather about how his kinship with others breeds uncertainty about your “top spot” in his heart. Women are highly competitive and having the “top spot’ is often a preoccupation of many sistas.  For some reason, his bond with female friends is like a mirror reflecting your own insecurities about not only yourself, but also the status of your relationship. Here are my Top 5 things to consider:

1)     You feel his female friend is more beautiful than you.

Based on my experiences, trust issues regarding “female friends” are often predicated on superficial notions of beauty. In other words, if you found the girl to be ugly or unattractive, it would not matter if you find him in the bed with her watching the movie Love Jones and dunking oreo cookies in a warm embrace. But if you find her to be drop dead gorgeous, he could not even sit next to her at gospel choir practice without getting the “are you sleeping with her” fifth degree.  If she is more Beyonce than round the way girl, this may have ignited your insecurities. What about this particular “friend” keeps you from recognizing that to him you are the hottest chick in the game. Hell, your man made you his women for a reason. Never forget that.

2)     You have creeped, and may be creepin’, with one of your male friends and feel guilty about it.

Is that guy your introduced you boyfriend to at Keisha’s barbeque really an old flame? Or was that road trip to Philly for your class reunion with your “homie” Chris really a romantic getaway under the guise of old friends kickin’ it.  Is your current “mentor” at the church really a secret lover who really knows how to lay hands after service? Is that friend from facebook who leaves 2.78 comments a day really your piece on the side? Don’t make your current man pay the price for your sins.

3)     There may be physical chemistry you are picking up on.

Once folks have exchanged energies (meaning got down in the sheets) there is a level conformability that translates into specific behaviors.  For example, the friend gives your man “the eye” or gets the giggles, whether he tells a joke or not, whenever they are in the presence of one another. Maybe she often finds her way on his lap at the get together. Or maybe she was too damn sensual when she put on that suntan lotion ( a slight rub quickly turned into a caress) at Greg’s pool party.  Pay distinct attention to body language.

4)     Never underestimate your “gut”.

Sometimes without explanation we get a gut feeling or visceral reaction that leads to certain conclusions. For example, I began to always get very hot whenever one of my exes was around…kinda like she was the devil. This temperature rise was often followed by a “from out the blue” gut feeling that someone was sleeping in my bed (shouts to Dru Hill). Long story short, this supposedly pristine and holier than thou Christian women had been taggin’ another suitor…they are now married with 4 kids and 2.5 dogs. Sometimes you should sit in the corner of yourself, listen to your inner voice, and trust whatever your gut is telling you.  If your internal vibe continues to be one of skepticism, collect your evidence and act accordingly.

5)     Confronting without hard evidence is a recipe for disaster.

I am old school, some say tragically naïve, in regards to matters of the heart. I believe you should trust whole heartedly until you have good reason (hard evidence) not to.  For me, the only way to truly love is wide open. I caution you, never accuse a guy of cheating unless there is a smoking gun.  Why? Everyday guys hear that we are all dogs and always have a women on the side. Cheating often has a male face, though women, in recent years, have been getting’ their creep on in epic proportions.  So after being inundated with “all men cheat” references throughout one’s life span, the last thing your man wants to hear is wild accusations of being unfaithful. And more importantly, without proof, you will almost seal your own fate as the accusation my serve to alienate you further from your boo. He may shut down, shut you out emotionally, and drop you off faster than weed when the cops come

In sum, find the source of your trust issues through honest self examination.  And find the intricate balance between loving uninhibited and not playing “boo boo the fool”.