Ask Ed & Sugar: Why Women Luv Mr. Right Now

24 December 2008 4 Comments

I’ve been with women that have been beaten, played and treated less than human but when I come in contact with them they act like I owe them more than they’ve ever gotten from any man. What is the deal with these sisters that say they want a good man get one and try to make him deal with all their crazy issues? And why does this never happen to the brothers that treat women wrong?

Carl, Wilmington, DE

photo credit: www.myspace.com/shannonmccollum

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Sugar’s Take

Carl,

The reason the so-called ‘doin them wrong’ brother rarely deals with a woman’s issues is because he keeps his heart and his penis in separate places. Men that show women too much love too early usually have some problems. The woman either expects the whole relationship to be like the very beginning (you know…always on the phone, sweet texts/emails, etc…) or they get this undeserved sense of self entitlement. On another note, most women, matter of fact, most people (cuz we all have family) don’t look at their issues. Women have girlfriends that, for a number of reasons, chalk up a failed relationship as the man’s fault. Rarely do a woman’s friends ask the right questions or tell her she might be the problem. Some women can’t tell their friend anything close to the truth or they may no longer be friends. And that’s a damn shame. Look at the ‘Sex and the City’ characters, they are four confused women who shop and eat out a lot. Somehow that crap has become the modern woman’s relationship standard. Now there are women out there that can truly appreciate affection and compassion, but that’s getting’ more rare than a tape deck. I say treat people how they wanna be treated. If she’s a ho, she doesn’t need to sleep over or go to the company Christmas party. If she’s wonderful, she needs a little more selection than the 99 cent menu at Wendy’s…at least every once in a while. And if you treat every woman with the same healthy amount of respect, you will quickly see who is who. {/column1}

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Ed’s Take

Nothing says failed relationship like a woman who can’t see happiness because past issues cloud her judgment. Everyone has emotional baggage…some tote Louis Vuitton others rock Samsonite. Blaming others and playing the victim over apple martinis with other bitter women is much easier than doing a serious self inventory and discovering -maybe–the problem is not always “the man.”

Many women are unhappy because they have exhausted the possibility that good men exist. Good men are seen as the exception and not the rule. Therefore, this defeatist attitude becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So in an effort to protect themselves, women settle for temporary pacification…a “mr. right now” who merely fills a void of companionship but lacks the substance and deep emotional connection that leads to walking down the aisle. While killing time with incompatible mates seems cool at first, especially with the rise in “thug fantasies” amongst women, it eventually leaves them even more empty, depressed, and damaged.

Women can’t see a good man because he often does not come in the package they expect. Some shun the blue collar worker, but he is the guy that sends flowers to her job, cooks dinner on Sunday, and makes sure the yard is cut. Some shun a man with kids, but he is the one who is emotionally available and understands what it takes to provide for a family. A number of women could not see a good man even if he tapped danced in front of them in bright yellow pants with character references stapled to his back.

Nice guys will always finish last chasing women who lack the emotional maturity to appreciate genuine love and good will from a cat without ulterior motives. There is someone out there for you, but you may have to drop someone off to find her!!

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Got a question; email us askedandsugar@afrostoshelltoes.com!!!

Between catching the uptown train to conduct “we luv the kids” writing workshops to dancing rumba on the lower eastside, Sugar Johnson flaunts his creative freedom in various mediums. The actor, vocalist, and educator have not only shared the stage with prolific artists such as The Last Poets, M-1 of Dead Prez, Jessica Care Moore, and Spike Lee, but he also labors to cultivate the forgotten souls of Rikers Island. Johnson made his film debut in Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. The ASCAP member holds a B.A. in Mathematics from DePauw University and will release the poetry collection Food Clothes and Shelter on his imprint Home Grown Publishing, LLC in 2008.

Award winning writer, educator, counselor, and activist Edward M. Garnes, Jr. is the founder of From Afros to Shelltoes: Art, Action, and Conversation, a nationally acclaimed series of cultural productions confronting the social divide between elders and hip hop heads, and holds a B.A. in English Writing from DePauw University and a M.A. in Counseling from Michigan State University . His seminal essay, ” Sweet Tea Ethics: Black Luv, Healthcare, and Cultural Mistrust,” currently appears in Not In My Family: AIDS in the African American Community, a 2007 NAACP Image Award nominated collection edited by Gil Robertson. (www.afrostoshelltoes.com).

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4 Comments »

Gus Mayweather said:

umm..the pic says a lot man…the words make it stronger…

# 24 December 2008 at 2:14 pm

Jess said:

my dear brothers,

maybe it’s the image..i READ the blogs without the image..and even
though i don’t agree with all of it, it really just think it lacks
some real perspective on why woman have become so “damaged.” WE are
damaged as a community. It’s not gender specific. We can’t forget the
connection to american slavery and how women (in our community)
especially have had to become head of households while many of our men
abandon the idea of building families and opt to shooting “nut” into
their next baby mama.

so..that’s all i have on it for now. you both made some interesting
points. and i will write something more in depth at another time.

keep the dialogue going. something good should come of it..

love and respect,

jessica Care moore

# 25 December 2008 at 11:35 am

Oronike Odeleye said:

To be clear – we are a scarred people, both women and men. We are a traumatized people. If we are ever, as black men and women, going to be able to heal our relationships we have to be willing and able to heal each other. Unfortunately with the black male prison and death rate rising and the black male college graduation rate dropping, the number of eligible black men keeps falling. Chances are the sistah you’re with that has “baggage” has given a few sub par brotha’s a chance and been burned. If you consider yourself a “good man” and you come in contact with a sista who either can’t see it or expects you to give her the world, you either walk away to save your sanity or do the extra work to foster a sense of trust, intimacy and companionship in the relationship. If you walk away, then you also have to do the work of asking yourself why you weren’t willing to go the extra mile for a “good sistah” that you’d want to go the extra mile for you. If you can see past the emotional baggage to the pearl that lay within, then roll up your sleeves and get to cracking open that mussel. It’s work to build a relationship on either end. Don’t complain about it or say sistah’s are hard to deal with. We’re ALL hard to deal with but we have to do the hard work to try to reclaim each other.

# 25 December 2008 at 2:47 pm

Loganic said:

In direct relation to this gender problem, one main fault of our community is that too many of us adorn victimized garb and want to be saved….whether it be the aspiring “get out the ghetto” rap star, who signs his career away for his first royalty check or the sister who sees a man as the only means to end her world’s suffering. What we ALL must accept is that the best (and only) savior is in the mirror. Willie Lynch truly botched our senses of family structure and self-esteem, but we’ve known that for too long of a time. Knowing the problem is the first step….Now, can we erect more efficient family units from the rubble?

A lot of us, male or female, are too reliant on blaming others, pity pats-on-the back, mixed with compliments and excuses, to fully take inventory of our individual short-comings. It’s an act of charity to save another, but it’s an act of necessity to self-heal.

Oddly enough, the afro-centric among us have broken through the barriers of issues like religious oppression, but have yet to truly begin destroying/reconstructing the gender roles of yesterday. In maintaining this traditional way of life, the woman will always be dependent on the man, when seeking to feel whole, while continually making the man responsible for her happiness and allowing bad brothers a passageway to exploit a woman’s “needs.”

….not to mention that the sight of virile thugs seem to embody the impoverished woman’s desire for masculinity, stability and a fancy-free lifestyle, cleverly disguised by raining money, V.I.P. power and shiny accessories. No wonder the guy who works a city job is overlooked.

# 26 December 2008 at 5:54 pm