Ask Ed & Sugar: Do Women Own Their Issues?
I’m the type of brother that works hard and takes care of his woman. After 8 years with her, I’m starting to feel like nothing I do is enough for her. When we have our ‘talks’ it always ends up being my fault the relationship isn’t working. When do women start facing their faults?
–Mike, Alexandria, VA
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Sugar’s Take
Well Mike, this is a tough one because it may never happen. I can tell you from experience she may be using your strong values as a subject for manipulation. She tryin’ to use “Dee Bo” mind control on you dog!!! See women are very good at peepin’ what kinda man you are and then acting accordingly. If the woman is cool, all you have gets better. But if she’s a triflin’ heffa, you gon’ have some problems. There’s some stuff that’ is just “woman stuff”; the rest is akin to the individual. This woman sounds like she is used to having her way, especially if you’re taking care of her. A little unappreciative, don’t you think? You have to decide how much you’re going to give her or if it’s worth giving her anything at all. Be a little selfish sometimes. I know it sounds strange. Trust me it works…just don’t overdo it. I would also take some time to notice any negative patterns you ignored in the name of love. It could be the relationship needs some shaking up, but there’s nothing wrong with doing a personal inventory. On a real serious note, you shouldn’t stay with a woman just because you have history. It could be bad history in disguise. Be sure you’re in it for the right reasons. {/column1}
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Ed’s Take
Brother Mike,
More often than not, cool brothers often pay the price for another man’s sins. Black men are assailed in media and popular culture 24/7, so you are already fighting when the odds stacked firmly against you. So much so that “black men aint right” has become the rallying cry of sistas the world over. We as brothers hear about our issues all of our lives. And sadly, this emphasis on black male ineptitude has made some sistas feel that they are beyond criticism. Accepting this bitter truth is half your battle. After eight years, I can tell you three things: 1) your women knows your behavioral patterns better than you do 2) you have given her every indication that you will accept the blame and tolerate her actions 3) people don’t change; they just become more of their true selves. You have to learn to break your current relationship cycle. Why have you stayed this long? Do you fear starting over? Are your needs being met? Is eight years of feeling unappreciated enough for you to make a change? So here is the decision before you….stay and be miserable…or find the courage to move on. I know it’s easier said than done. But many people only gain enlightenment when you are in the arms of a new and more understanding lover.{/column2}
Got a question; email us at askedandsugar@afrostoshelltoes.com
About Sugar Between catching the uptown train to conduct “we luv the kids” writing workshops to dancing rumba on the Lower East Side, Sugar Johnson flaunts his creative freedom in various mediums. The actor, vocalist, and educator has not only shared the stage with prolific artists such as The Last Poets, M-1 of Dead Prez, Jessica Care Moore, and Spike Lee, but he also labors to cultivate the forgotten souls of Rikers Island. Johnson made his film debut in Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. The ASCAP member holds a B.A. in Mathematics from DePauw University and will release the poetry collection Food Clothes and Shelter on his imprint Home Grown Publishing, LLC in 2008.
About Ed Award winning writer, educator, counselor, and activist Edward M. Garnes, Jr. is the founder of From Afros to Shelltoes: Art, Action, and Conversation, a nationally acclaimed series of cultural productions confronting the social divide between elders and hip hop heads, and holds a B.A. in English Writing from DePauw University and a M.A. in Counseling from Michigan State University. His seminal essay, ” Sweet Tea Ethics: Black Luv, Healthcare, and Cultural Mistrust,” currently appears in Not In My Family: AIDS in the African American Community, a 2007 NAACP Image Award nominated collection edited by Gil Robertson. (www.afrostoshelltoes.com).
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