Every time I go out with my friends married men are always approaching me to be the mistress or ‘secret lover’. How can I stop being seen as the mistress and move up to wife or even girlfriend?

–Kalani, Silver Springs, MD

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SUGAR’S TAKE

Dearest Kalani,

If men see you this way there’s something you’re giving off that’s screaming side chick. This could be the result of a role you’ve played in the past (hint, hint) and you’re still carrying some of that proverbial residue. Or you could be displaying behavior that makes men believe you to be a mistress. You have to be honest with yourself. You can say you want a man but when you meet him everything about you says insecurity or confusion or self righteousness (which is a really bad one) then all he’s thinking is get in and get out. The important thing is to look at you and pick out the repeated behaviors that garner negative results. I mean, if you meet a guy and have sex that same night in the club bathroom stall, he’s not thinking he wants you to meet his friends and family…trust me. {/column1}

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ED’S TAKE

Peace Sista Kalani,

My late Grandma Elizabeth Lowe said it best. “you teach people how to treat you.”  In your interpersonal interactions with men, you may be giving “tell tell” signs that you are willing to accept playing second fiddle. It could be flirting with a man who is wearing a wedding ring, invading the personal space of a work buddy who is already taken, or you may unwittingly be reeking of desperation.   Now is the time to “replay the tapes” and deeply analyze your dealings with men.  And in doing so, there are usually patterns that develop.  Take notes and begin to reprogram your actions and thought processes.  Never setter for being anyone’s second round draft pick.  Work on maintaining a positive self image, developing a unique “sista girl” fire, and being the best you.  Men want a woman they can take home to mamma, and the side chic very rarely makes it to Sunday dinner.  {/column2}

Got a question; email us at askedandsugar@afrostoshelltoes.com

About Sugar Between catching the uptown train to conduct “we luv the kids” writing workshops to dancing rumba on the lower eastside, Sugar Johnson flaunts his creative freedom in various mediums. The actor, vocalist, and educator have not only shared the stage with prolific artists such as The Last Poets, M-1 of Dead Prez, Jessica Care Moore, and Spike Lee, but he also labors to cultivate the forgotten souls of Rikers Island. Johnson made his film debut in Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. The ASCAP member holds a B.A. in Mathematics from DePauw University and will release the poetry collection Food Clothes and Shelter on his imprint Home Grown Publishing, LLC in 2008.

About Ed Award winning writer, educator, counselor, and activist Edward M. Garnes, Jr. is the founder of From Afros to Shelltoes: Art, Action, and Conversation, a nationally acclaimed series of cultural productions confronting the social divide between elders and hip hop heads, and holds a B.A. in English Writing from DePauw University and a M.A. in Counseling from Michigan State University . His seminal essay, ” Sweet Tea Ethics: Black Luv, Healthcare, and Cultural Mistrust,” currently appears in Not In My Family: AIDS in the African American Community, a 2007 NAACP Image Award nominated collection edited by Gil Robertson. (www.afrostoshelltoes.com).

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